"Nonviolent Communication [NVC] is based on the principle of Ahimsa — the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart." ~ Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC
The purpose of Nonviolent Communication is to fully value everyone's well being, and to create a certain quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met through natural giving.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where we experience this! Of course, I know full well the reality is that this isn't always the case. However, in the 11 years that I have been learning the method of Nonviolent Communication, I can honestly say that it has transformed my life. It has saved my long term relationship, generated deep love and harmony between me and my two children, helped me navigate my mother and supported me with all of my work relationships. And what was different in all of this? ME!
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." — Mahatma Gandhi.
After many years of being inspired to be more compassionate towards myself and others through various wisdom teachings and ‘self help’ type books & podcasts, I discovered that having the intention of being ‘kinder’ was NOT enough!!!!
I bet you can relate to that? Wanting to be kind towards your kids, partner, boss, the world, yet somehow it doesn't always work out that way?
Nonviolent Communication gave me a map of how to build more nourishing relationships both with myself and others.
I see the NVC map as multilayered and I have enjoyed learning the base map in the beginning and then adding overlays on top over the years. So let me tell you about the basemap.
Behind everything we think, do and say - we are attempting to meet a need. In the model of NVC, needs are universal. Each of us will experience them in our own unique way at different times. Examples of needs are: being valued, fun, to matter, to be loved, to be understood, to be seen, to contribute to others needs.
Our needs are either met or unmet.
When needs are met we experience pleasant feelings and when they are unmet we experience unpleasant feelings.
Sometimes we can meet our needs tragically because we are not taking into consideration other needs either our own needs or someone else's.
When we get clear what needs we or others are trying to meet (And it's not always easy to discern as we have not been raised around the language of needs), then we can collaborate on finding a strategy that considers all needs.
Easy?! It takes practice because there are numerous things that get in the way of us being able to think in needs consciousness.
The culture that most of us have been raised in often operates through the lens of language of disconnection(from needs) and it is loaded with evaluations and judgements. What might this thinking and speaking look like? Blame, moralistic judgement, comparison, right/ wrong. In the model of NVC when we think and speak like this it can be experienced as violent.
Consider this same situation expressed firstly in an evaluated and disconnected way and the second through needs consciousness.
‘Those kids are always causing trouble, they should be at school, i bet they are hanging outside that shop because they are going to shoplift or get someone to buy them alcohol. Their parents do nothing’
‘When I see that group of young people there I feel concerned about our neighbourhood. I want us all to experience living in a safe, harmonious community where we can each have a sense of purpose. I am confused what I can do to contribute to this. Perhaps I will speak to the neighborhood support person’
See how in the first example the attention is outward blaming and in the second the attention rests with the person expressing their feelings and needs?
NVC is a model of empowerment. When we blame others for how we feel - we have given our power away. When our attention is on our feelings and needs we can take responsibility for our own emotions. This gives us increased choice. We can ask ourselves what small steps can I take that contribute towards needs - mine and others.
Sometimes we find that there is nothing we can do to change anything on the outside (warfare), in moments like this we can meet our need to mourn our unmet needs for global peace. As we have choice, however, we can find multiple strategies for meeting our need for peace - reading?
Since 1994 the Centre for Nonviolent Communication has sponsored more than 290 International Intensive Trainings in Nonviolent Communication. Durham City has been chosen to be one of 8 global events happening this year. At the end of July we welcome trainers and participants from around the world for 9 days of learning how to be the change they want to see in the world.
We joyfully invite you, individuals, leaders and organisations to join us for our public open evening to discover how NVC is contributing to social change around the world. There will be 1 hour of presentations, including; NVC in various settings; the UN, NHS, Schools, family life followed by refreshments and a ceilidh.
Sunday August 2nd 6:30 - 10:30pm Durham School, Quarry Heads Lane DH14SZ
Please book your Free place!